Thoughts on Hot Dog Vendors and Snippy Sales Clerks

The Long Island hot dog hooker has me asking myself some questions. “Why does this Hot Dog Hooker have better self confidence than I? I want that self esteem that spills out of a hot-pink bikini top! ” That Hot Dog hooker pounds on her blubbery stomach and proclaims it a six pack! I would classify it as more of a “juice box” than a six pack. Hot Dog Hooker says she has “15 more years left” in her to do her thing. “Hmmmm. Perhaps Hot Dog Hooker Lady should calm down; go home and put her glasses on. I know, because a similar awakening happed to me recently.

Last week I sauntered up to the Bobbi Brown makeup counter in Lord and Taylor. (No, not Whitney’s Bobby Brown, silly. The makeup Bobbi Brown) and purchased a $40 compact of “bronzer.”  It seemed very important at the time. When I asked the nice young man behind the counter if he had any free samples, he gave me three tiny samples of “Extra Eye Repair,” a thick, pasty heavy-duty eye cream for old ladies with wrinkles! Not sexy green eye shadow; not The Beach cologne; and not even a lipstick for my thin, parched lips. But a HEAVY DUTY EYE CREAM. I thought about taking him by his little Lord and Taylor lapels and dragging him over the counter to say, “Look again Make-Up Boy. You must have meant to give this to a grandma.” But then when I calmed down and arrived home, I put on my glasses and looked at the corners of my eyes in the mirror and said, “What a smart, kind Make-Up Boy he was!” because I saw that my face had taken on the appearance of dried, cracked mud in the Utah Salt Flats. Question; “When did this happen?”

Lastly, I think that people should stop chasing the Hot Dog Hooker Lady. There are bigger problems to worry about in this world and plenty of real perverts and weirdoes to be keeping an eye on. Granted, most of them are home watching porn on their computers, but Hot Dog Vendor Lady doesn’t need to be run out on a rail. Priorities, people!