Once Bitten, I'm Gunning For You

“Why are there mosquitoes?”

That’s what my 6-year-old neighbor Kevin asked me a few weeks ago. As I frantically swatted mosquitoes away from my face I replied, “I guess they have a purpose in the Universe,” but I just said that so I did not seem like a horrible person. What I really wanted to say was “Good question indeed, Little Man. We should take a flame thrower and kill every last one of those #@*^$%%.”

But I now have a truthful answer for Kevin. The purpose of mosquitoes is so that companies like Stinger, Off! and Black Flag and stores like Home Depot, Wal-Mart and your local hardware store can make millions of dollars off of saps like me who think they can actually “CONTROL” mosquitoes.

This year I estimate that I have spent a total of $250 on various “mosquitoes must die” products. Let’s review them here and I will give you my honest assessment of whether they work or not. I will start from the most worthless products and move up to the best.

The Off! Clip On Mosquito Repellent – retails for $8.98 (I bought three)

This gadget is supposed to give you “personal protection from mosquitoes. The OFF! Clip-On repellent provides mosquito protection without putting anything on your skin.”

This product gets thumbs down. I watched mosquitoes land on me while I sat there and listened to this thing humming and using up two double-AA batteries faster than you can say “Caladryl lotion.” I found that when you take the gadget in your hand and smash it down on a bug, that seemed to work really well.

The All Natural Mosquito Mist recipe – I got this from the internet at designsponge.com

All the goods cost about $15: 1 cup of grain alcohol (organic if available), vodka (ditto) or witch hazel (I used Witch Hazel. What was I thinking? At least if I had used the vodka and it didn’t work, I could have drunk it), 30 drops (in total) essential oil blend; I used lavender and tea tree oil, but you can also use citronella, rosemary, rose geranium, or lemon. You place all ingredients into a spray mister bottle; shake well and spray liberally over any exposed skin before venturing outdoors. 

Results? I smelled very nice, but I was still eaten alive when I stepped out of my house.

The Stinger MA06 Insect Mosquito Indoor Trap

by Stinger, retails for about $24.99, plus shipping (I bought three). These indoor mosquito control traps work by attracting bugs with a light, then they get sucked into a screened trap by a little fan and stay in there to die or you can let them go. (Like THAT’S ever going to happen!) I checked the trap after two weeks and I had two gnats in there. All that money, noise and power to run it and I got two gnats. My carbon footprint is going to be HUGE after this summer.

BlackFlag 40 Watt Bug Zapper – sells for about $49.99

This classic bug zapper is supposed to be placed about 25 feet from your front door and it electrocutes flying insects. However, it gets clogged with moths and since I really don’t dislike moths, what’s the point? It’s hard to gauge how many mosquitoes die in this thing, but I think they just congregate near my front door to avoid it and watch the moths get electrocuted. It’s basically a $50 night light, if you ask me.

Mosquito netting – "Sea to Summit head net”  from REI. This sells for about $9, plus shipping. While it doesn’t actually “control” mosquitoes, it enables you to put the garbage out or go for a walk without losing a pint of blood. (That’s me wearing it in the photo.)

However, a rolled up newspaper is still the best mosquito controller I can find. I also like to use a box of tissues to get the ones that congregate on my ceiling. It’s quick and easy. I use a Magic Sponge to clean them off the ceiling the next morning. All this retails for under $5. I have been known to use my hand, too, accompanied by some cussing. This costs nothing!

I know a summer without mosquitoes may be just a pipe dream of mine, but I will still persist, as long as I have a pint of blood left in me. Make that a half pint. I think I just got bitten again.