The Lion and the Mouse

Dating for me, over the years, has become a pastime of sociological experimentation. This concept of mine started years ago when I hit a rough patch and decided to go onto eHarmony. After filling out the site's lengthy application, I was kindly rejected from the site because it deduced, based on my survey answers, that my chances of ever finding a partner would be 1 in 10,000. After my initial “I’ll show them” stage, which failed miserably, I realized eHarmony may have been onto something, but still I wasn’t ever going to give up.   

Thanks to this mindset of staying on course, I happen to stumble upon quite a few dates that become memorable for all the wrong reasons. One that comes to mind is my date with a neurologist named Adam a couple of years back.  

I met Adam during one of my weekend trips to South Beach and we hit it off as friends right away. The fact that he also lived in New York, we decided, made it perfectly possible for us to pursue an official date when we finally got back home. Fast forward a week later and there I am with Adam and four of his friends eating at a popular churrascaria in Manhattan. Good food, good laughs and good company made the evening a perfect 10. On the way back from the restaurant, Adam decided to give me a kiss, our first, on the corner of a low-lit street by his apartment. 

Now by first kiss standards, it was kind of nice, but what happened afterwards made it more memorable than any other kiss I have ever received. Apparently Adam, for some odd reason, thought it would be sexy if he roared after the kiss. Now mind you, this wasn’t a growl or a grunt, it was an actual roar, where this man actually said the word “ROAR” out loud. 

Speaking from the perspective of a roaree, this was the most alarming thing I have ever experienced after a kiss and the effect of such an act immediately made me realize this man was definitely not for me. Add to the fact that Adam had big bug eyes (like me) that bulged out even farther whilst he was roaring (not like me) and the entire appeal of this man quickly vanished. I guess Adam might have noticed the quizzical look on my face because he quickly responded by saying, “What? I roar when I get excited.”

The moment became awkwardly silent for a minute and then I tried to smoothly transition into a more comfortable scenario by trying to get the heck out of there and hailing a cab. As luck would have it, what transpired next showed me the true colors of this new lion friend of mine. As is common during the hot nights in the city, a pack of rats came running out from a garbage dumpster nearby. Adam quickly screamed like a girl, at a pitch much higher than mine, and used me as a human shield to protect himself from the squealing vermin, one of which actually stepped on my big toe while scurrying by.    

After all had calmed down, we both stood there in silence, which was finally broken by Adam successfully hailing me the next available cab – nothing else was needed to be said.

On the way back home that night, I decided I would remain friends with Adam on a strictly platonic level as I changed his ringtone on my cell from lovey-dovey music to the roar of the cowardly lion from The Wizard of Oz.