Experts Talk Bullying – And What Parents Can Do To Help Kids

Jamie Isaacs was only eight years old when she was first bullied.

After sharing her story with Patch following a presentation she gave in Flanders in October, Jamie's story touched a chord among Patch readers.

"The bullying started when I was in second grade," Jamie, who lives in Lake Grove but attends school in St. James, said. "The girl that bullied me was my best friend. I had so much pain inside of me." But Jamie was not alone: Scores of teens and children are bullied on a regular basis – and the results can be devastating, experts say.

And now, experts are shedding light on the escalating problem – and giving parents direction on how to help their children.

Bullying, said Susan Toman of the Guidance Center in Southold, can be life-altering.

First defined in 1996 psychologist Charlotte Ross, bullying is a form of social interaction not necessarily long-standing, in which a more aggressive behavior that is intended to cause distress affects a less dominant individual, Toman said.

The aggressive behavior may take the form or forms of physical, verbal, or indirect attacks.

"The target experiences anxiety, depression, loneliness, and unhappiness," Toman said. "Students that are victimized by bullying have higher rates of absenteeism than their non-bullied peers; dropout rates follow this pattern as well."

According to the National Education Association, "It is estimated that 160,000 children miss school every day due to fear of attack or intimidation by other students."

And the results can be deadly: Suicide remains among the leading causes of death of children under 14. And in most cases, the young people die from hanging. According to the Yale School of Medicine, a new review of studies from 13 countries found signs of an apparent connection between bullying, being bullied, and suicide.  

In 2005, 270 children in the 10-14 age group killed themselves.

Sexual orientation and bullying often go hand-in-hand, Toman said. According to the Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network 2007 National School Climate Survey of more than 6,000 students, nearly nine out of 10 LGBT youth reported being verbally harassed at school in the past year because of their sexual orientation.

Nearly half, or 44.1 percent,  reported being physically harassed, according to the survey. About a quarter, 22.1 percent, reported being physically assaulted. Nearly two-thirds, or 60.8 percent, who experienced harassment or assault never reported the incident to the school. And of those who did report the incident, nearly one-third, 31.1 percent, said the school staff did nothing in response.

A connection has also been drawn between bullying and school shootings, Toman said. 

According to Make Beats Not Beat Downs, a non-profit organization aimed at eradicating bullying, statistics indicate that revenge is the strongest motivation for school shootings -- 86% percent of students said, “other kids picking on them, making fun of them or bullying them” caused teenagers to turn to violence in the schools.

According to MBNBD, harassment and bullying have been linked to 75 percent of school-shooting incidents. 

Bullying can also be linked to substance abuse. According to the Archives of Pediatrics and Adolescent Medicine, "There is a direct connection between bullying and substance abuse."

Over 50 percent of boys who were characterized as bullies had at least one conviction by the age of 24, Toman said. "These men were also abusive to their wives and children."

New dangers have arisen in the form of cyber bullying, Toman said. In such situations, the bully may not be detected, does not have the face to face experience, and may have a false sense of invisibility.

"The bully does not experience the results of their bullying in the moment, which can weaken the emotions of remorse and empathy on a greater level," she said.

Bullying, and how it is viewed and dealt with is changing, Toman said. Schools and those working with youth shold set some standards to help mitigate the problem.

The Dignity for All Students Act, which was passed in New York State in July, is a new "anti-bullying law" that spells out  instruction in civility, citizenship, character education, tolerance, respect for others, and dignity. 

Highlights of the law:

• All public elementary and secondary school students are protected. 
• DASA prohibits the harassment and discrimination of students by students and by school personnel.
• Each school's code of conduct must be amended to reflect the prohibition of discrimination and harassment of students by students or staff in age-appropriate language. 
• Districts must appoint at least one staff member in each school to handle all bullying incidents on school property, including athletic fields, playgrounds, and parking lots, in school buildings, on a school bus/vehicle, as well as at school-sponsored events or activities.
• Administrators must report incidents of bullying or bias-based harassment to the New York State Department of Education, Bullying and Suicide.

In the Three Village area, students and teachers at Murphy Junior High School recently came together in a "town hall" event that raised awareness of bullying and bullying prevention by way of the school's character education initiative, "Get a Voice." The event was inspired by the Positive Behavioral Interventions and Supports initiative and the state-mandated Dignity for All Students Act. Leah Laurenti of "American Idol" fame performed the theme song "Get a Voice"

"We hope that each of the students here today leaves with a clear understanding of what it means to have pride and to be an upstander – two very important parts of our school’s anti-bullying program,” Debbi Rakowsky,
school social worker and PBIS committee member, said. “Through the skits and personal stories shared, we also hope that they walk away inspired to continue to create unity in the building and promote tolerance and acceptance for all.”

Theresa Drozd, violence prevention coordinator in the Riverhead School district, said New York State's Dignity For All Students Act has helped to raise awareness. "Parents are becoming more aware that it's happening and that there are things they can do about it," she said.

The school district, Drozd added, has hosted a number of different anti-bullying events and activities. "The kids are aware that if something does happen, they should make us aware -- so that this is not something that goes unnoticed."

Bullying, Drozd said, can be devastating to a young person. "It can really destroy their self-esteem and given them really low self-worth," she said.

Signs parents should look for, Drozd said, include students who come home and just retreat to their rooms; some may not want to go to school at all. Parents should contact their school's guidance counselor if they believe there could be a problem, Drozd said.

Toman added that parents can make a difference. Parents can advocate for their children with knowledge of the Dignity for All Students Act, as well as create a safe environment for youth that is non-hostile and will not interfere with educational and social opportunities, she said.

 "Parents must continue to evaluate their parenting skills," she said. We all lose it -- and then we must own it. "When parents own their mistakes, and make changes, they are being the best examples to their children. There are so many programs available today to help parents to have a response rather than to react when parenting. Practice makes perfect, and it is progress, not perfection, when it comes to continuing to improve upon healthy parenting

As for Jamie, she formed the Jamie Isaacs Foundation for Anti-Bullying, Inc. , a not-for-profit organization born to help other young people know that they are not alone and provide concrete helps to those being bullied. And in helping others, Jamie has found her strong inner voice.

"Life is a precious gift that no one should ever have taken away, especially by someone who is out to destroy you with harsh words, jealousy, envy and lies. Be proud of who you are and stand strong," she said.